Riddhima breathed silently in the darkness, drawing in the comforting scent of leather and faint perfume. She could feel the vibrations from the jeep, the crisp morning air on her skin, the warmth of a friend beside her. But she didn’t want to move. Not just yet.
Her cold hands twitched and then curled into fists. A burning sensation prickled behind her closed eyelids.
He had promised to find her…
They shouldn’t have crossed the threshold.
Mamma…Papa…
Aching loss ripped through her, stealing her breath with its sheer ferocity. She gasped silently, turning her head towards the misty window and forcing herself to breathe. Her parents were gone. They were really gone. For precious moments in the dream, she had begun to believe differently. They had looked so real, so alive. Almost as if she could reach out, and touch the past.
Her memories did no justice to the gentle lilt of her father’s voice, the years of love in her parents’ banter, the beatific smile that reached the corners of her mother’s eyes…Memories are such treacherous things. They keep subtly changing the past, the essence of the people you once knew better than your own self. They change till everything feels more like a dream than a beautiful reality you had inhabited from the day you were born.
She closed her eyes, wanting with all her heart to recapture those dreams. Just once more. A dark sinister yearning stirred within, whispering to her of paradise. It promised her a dream that she could lose herself in, a home she could stay in forever with those she had lost…
‘Beware of spirit dreams…’ an eerie sigh of Sutapa’s words breathed into the allure of the darkness. ‘Vansh Raisinghania does not have much time left in our world. Reach Layla, child. Reach Layla at any cost…’
Her eyes snapped open. Vansh. She mouthed his name, gazing unseeingly at the real world through a gap in the jacket. Blurred scenery passed by; a brick hut here, farmland there, dirt paths leading into forests, tall trees reaching for azure skies. She resisted the urge to rub her hurting chest, a remnant of her brush with magic in the Raisinghania mansion. The darkness rose again, pulling her into the painful memories buried deep inside. Memories that a ghost had seen in her mind in the cottage and bound her to him in more ways than blood magic.
She remembered the frenzied knocking at her door near dawn. The Dean dressed in a floral night suit, an unusual pained expression on her stern countenance. The quiet hours on the flight, with her nails digging into her palms. The fluorescent lights of the hospital and the smell of cleaners and death in the air. She had looked down at her parents’ bodies, their ravaged faces scrubbed clean of blood and dirt. The staff had handed her the forms and she had signed them, feeling as if she was sleepwalking. Praying to wake with every step.
She had felt nothing that day, not exhaustion, not hunger, not even the sympathetic touch of her relatives’ arms. After a funeral that she barely remembered, and a rushed meeting with her father’s lawyer that she was unlikely to forget, she had taken the next flight back to the college campus. But the moment she had shut the doors to her dorm room, waves of grief had consumed her like a ravenous wraithe.
Riddhima remembered the long hours on the cold floor, screaming into her pillow, sobbing till her eyes felt raw and her spirit broken. She had picked up no calls, spoken to no one for weeks, maybe months. What do you even say when your entire world has fallen apart? How do you find the words to express that endless pain, that crushing emptiness?
Her father would have been appalled to know her ways of coping, she was sure of that. He would have implored her to let others share her burdens. ‘If you follow your heart, you will find your way home,’ he would insist again, as if she could follow where he and Maa had gone. And what was home without them?
Something like regret pierced her. Why hadn’t she talked about life with her mother? Why hadn’t she gone on more adventures with her father? He would have loved to take her hiking, tell her hilarious stories from his youth, go on adventures to remember…What use were her books, this insatiable hunger to excel at everything, when she had missed the moments that mattered the most?
Riddhima started as the star sapphire began to pulse against her skin. Like once before, it beat in a steady calming rhythm, centering her. Bringing her to the present, where all was not lost.
“Vansh…where are you?” she thought desperately, her hand reaching for the stone. “How will I find you again?” She held its weight in her palm, her fingers tracing its grooves. “What if I am too late…?” She shook her head, trying to dispel the frightening thought. “I will find you. Just you wait, Peacock Raisingheenia,” she spoke tenderly.
“Riddhima?” Rudra whispered, careful not to wake her. “Did you say something? Are you awake?”
Her hand closed over the stone, as if sealing the finality of her quiet resolve. Taking in a deep breath, she pulled the jacket off her face. “Good morning!” she rasped, grimacing against the bright sunlight. “Thanks for letting me sleep. Pull over someplace clean, will you? Let’s stretch our legs and grab a bite. And then, mister, you are sleeping and I am driving.”
~
There was a nip in the air, even in the heat of the afternoon sun. As the jeep meandered past dense foliage with no living being in sight, Riddhima cursed under her breath. Were they lost? She glanced at the offline map on Rudra’s slowly dying phone. This seemed to be the way. And she was sure that she had followed all the directions. It’s not like there was much scope to be confused in hilly areas. It was pretty much straight most of the time, with obvious turns along the way. And yet, she couldn’t shake the feeling that they were getting late. Very late.
“What time did the old witch say again?” Rudra yawned beside her, having just woken from a much-needed nap. He grabbed his phone, squinting at the screen. “Wait, what! It’s three, already?!”
“I know,” she gritted her teeth, trying to make the jeep go faster on the tiny road. Bloody shamans. ‘Reach by evening‘, Sutapa had said in her mysterious way. What did ‘evening’ mean exactly? Was it four o’clock? Was it five? Was it sundown? How was she supposed to beat the clock when she didn’t even know evil ghost-possession time?
“Babe?”
“I don’t know the bloody time, man!” she replied irritably, immediately regretting her tone. “Look, I am sorry. This is so frustrating. I should have just pushed one of them into the jeep with us. I hate these magic people! Giving vague directions…spooking me out…’oh, look, I am sooo mysterious, child‘.”
Rudra chuckled, despite her poor imitation of Sutapa’s rough voice. Giving him a small smile, she tried to tear open a packet of chips with her teeth. When the packet didn’t give, she savagely yanked at the corner, till he plucked it out of her hand. Rolling his eyes, he opened it in one smooth move. “See? Easy peasy.”
“Show off,” she muttered, diving into it hungrily. At the first taste of salt, oil, and spices, she almost closed her eyes in bliss. Ah, this satisfying crunch. How dearly she had missed this world! They had grabbed whatever looked edible from a rundown shop along the way, but no way was she traveling anywhere again without bagfuls of chips. Who knew how long it would be before they found Ahilya’s descendent? If the black thread on her wrist failed her, she wasn’t going chip-less into a fight with Kabir.
“What were you doing?” Rudra asked softly.
“Eating,” she spoke through a mouthful, turning a corner deftly with one hand. “Gosh, these are wonderful. But I swear they keep selling more and more air these days. We should complain in the consumer courts-“
“No. I didn’t mean that.”
“Why not? Don’t you want to fight for your rights?!”
“Riddhima,” Rudra sighed, sounding tired. “I’m not talking about the chips, alright?” He grabbed the now empty packet, stuffing it in another bag. She jumped as he took her chip-stained hand in his. “Do you know how scared I was when I saw you in the cottage? You just disappeared that night! At first, I assumed you were around, busy in the shaman volunteer thing. Then, when I couldn’t find you, I tried to reach our friends for help. But they had already left for their homes, assuming we wanted to extend the trip together. The next thing I know, you are lying there, lifeless on a bed, while weird locals talk about ghosts, curses, death, and stuff!”
She swallowed, feeling a painful lump in her throat and the sting of shame. In everything that had happened, Rudra had been the furthest from her mind. It was true that she had never wanted him involved in all this. But she had taken his help, whenever possible. Having seen real magic and ghostly stuff, he could have run far away. And yet, he had stayed, even been a guinea pig in the shamanic barrier against Kabir to protect her. She could see he was exhausted, but he was still sitting here, going with her to find Layla. All he was asking her for was just an honest answer.
Riddhima squeezed his hand, pulling up by the side of the road and shutting the engine. Immediately, an unsettling silence descended all around them. She could faintly hear the birds chirping, but in the far distance. It felt like even the wind had been silenced. The trees here were gnarly, surrounded by dense, thorny bushes that looked uninviting. She looked around uneasily. The usual rumble of the engine had been a distraction from the deathly quiet around them all along. But now that it was shut, she realized just how far off from civilization they had come.
“Damn, these are giving some slasher movie vibes!” Rudra exclaimed, almost in awe. His voice sounded too loud for this place. Dropping her hand, he leaned out the window, seeming to scan the surroundings curiously. “I feel like we are one of those naive ones, exploring the lonely woods, going to meet some creepy girl with a signature killing move.”
“Don’t say that,” she mumbled, keeping a death grip on the steering wheel. “God, it better not be that.” After her possession by an evil ghost, the last thing she wanted to walk into was a murderer’s den. ‘You better be good, Layla,’ she thought grimly. ‘I will be so pissed otherwise.’
“Hey,” Rudra popped his head in, looking concerned. “I hope I didn’t scare you. I didn’t really mean-“
“Nope,” she cut in, trying to look unafraid. “This doesn’t scare me. I already have some advanced voodoo experience, buddy.” She inserted a fake laugh, looking away in embarrassment.
He smiled awkwardly, cranking up the window. It made her feel a little more secure for some reason. “We really shouldn’t stop anywhere, you know. The shaman lady said we had to be there by evening.”
“I just need a moment.” Riddhima rested her forehead against the window, tracing the progress of a beetle on a blade of dry grass near the jeep. “Rudra?”
“Hmm?”
“I have to tell you…a lot of things,” she took in a deep steadying breath. “I will start by saying I’m really sorry. I should have told you…something, anything, the moment it all went crazy. I should have tried to get you out of this ghostly mess. You left the rest of the group to be with me, and you have helped me whenever you could. I should have been honest with you from the start. I’m just…really sorry.”
She felt his hands on her shoulders, turning her to meet his gentle brown eyes. “I wouldn’t have left, even if I had known everything,” he told her seriously. “I can’t just get up and leave my girlfriend. I owe you that much courage, Ridz.”
“You haven’t owed me anything ever,” she began, then stopped as he shook his head.
“But I did,” he insisted. “Do you know why I waited for, I don’t know, maybe dinosaur years, to get you to go out with me?”
Her heart constricted at his earnestness. “Rudra, listen-“
“No, you listen!” he interrupted, looking weirdly embarrassed. “I knew I was a goner, when a first-year-girl half my size dragged two of my college bullies to the Dean’s office and got them suspended.”
She gave a shocked half laugh. “Oh wow, that was you! I’m surprised you still remember that! Is that why you kept giving me those moon-eyed looks through the year?”
He looked at her in affront. “You would be giving moon-eyed looks too, lady, if you had met your knight in shining armor.”
“To tell you the truth,” she admitted sheepishly. “I only did that to stop those boys from calling me and my friends a ‘baboon-faced gang of nerds’.” Rudra burst into loud guffaws, making her smile. “So I was actually protecting their honour, you know.”
“Ah yes,” Rudra wiped away tears of hilarity. “I should have known you weren’t my avenging angel. I don’t even think you noticed me till you tucked your pen away, after the final exams of college!”
“I really didn’t,” she spoke gently, trying to soften the blow. “I was way too focused to even think of dating seriously. I truly loved learning. And hearing the pride with which my parents spoke of me…I just wanted to keep making them happy. But now I know…I know it didn’t matter at all…”
“You’re right,” Rudra uttered, taking her by surprise. “Your parents were proud of you. I only met them once, but it was so obvious how much they loved you.” He tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. “And I love-”
She flinched visibly, leaning away from his touch. He fell silent, watching her with eyes full of questions she dared not answer. Not when they were running out of time. She powered the jeep back again, putting on some music to cover the awkwardness.
Love. Love. Love.
How many hearts would you stain?
Love. Love. Love.
Can’t you feel my pain?
She groaned internally, scrambling to shut it off. With her luck, it was better to just drive in silence.
~
The jeep swerved right, narrowly missing a large lump of rocks on the road. They were on a dirt track now, having completely surrendered to the map. Rudra was dozing again, his eyelids moving restlessly. She sighed, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. Where was this place? They should have reached by now.
Chewing on her lip, she made another turn, this time into a clearing. She braked hard, staring in astonishment. In front of her was a meadow, bathed in soft golden sunlight. A lush hayfield swayed in the gentle breeze, the colours of the dusk highlighting the russet and amber hues of the flora. If she looked closely, she could spot tiny butterflies flitting in and out of sight.
“Rudra,” she called, nudging him. “Rudra, wake up! Look at this!” He mumbled something, trying to burrow under his jacket. “Come on, you have to see-“
A loud crack resounded in the clearing, making her jump. What was that? She looked around fearfully, preparing to reverse the jeep. “Rudra?” she hissed, tapping him. “Please wake up…There is something-” Her words turned into a shriek, as a huge branch fell with a roar, a part of it catching the front of the jeep. It shuddered violently, making them bounce in their seats.
Rudra woke up with a start, just as she reversed the vehicle. “Riddhima, what-“
“Check the map! Now!” she snapped, her eyes wild. “Maybe it was a rotting branch. Maybe the fall was a coincidence. Who the fuck knows anymore?” All she knew was that a moment ago, she had felt…something. Like she had been there before, like something terrible had happened here.
She drove the jeep like a crazed woman, making random turns as if in a spy thriller. “What does the map say?!” When Rudra didn’t answer, she glanced at him. He was gazing into the distance, a dazed look on his face. “Rudra…Are you okay?”
“Riddhima…” he said, a strange quality in his voice. “I have to tell you something.”
“What?” She gave him another worried glance. “Can’t it wait?”
“You must…listen,” he continued, an unsettling stillness in his thin frame. “I have to tell you this. She said-“
When Riddhima looked back at the road, another loud shriek escaped her. Swerving on instinct, she just about skirted past the large pile of rocks she had seen earlier. A couple of them caught under the tire, sending the whole jeep jostling dangerously. She cut the engine, breathing raggedly. “Those rocks…” she grabbed at the phone frantically. “We are going in a circle. Shit! Dude, is this map even working?!”
As she looked up, a chill ran down her spine. Rudra was still gazing into the distance, looking unruffled by their near accident. She almost reached out to him, but a terrifying fear stilled her hand.
“I have to tell you something,” he repeated in the same odd voice. “She said you must…remember.”
Riddhima stayed silent, grabbing the star sapphire. It was motionless, doing nothing to ease her nerves.
“She said,” Rudra croaked, then cleared his throat. “She said, ‘You knew there were consequences.‘”
Like a silent command, her eyes closed of their own volition. Riddhima was vaguely aware of her hands slipping down the steering wheel. In a seemingly endless loop, she fell, beyond the earth to an abyss that called to her.
Falling.
Darkness.
Her head touched a cool mud floor, feeling heavy and disoriented. There was a strange smell of decay that immediately wrinkled her nose. She could hear rapid footsteps. Someone passed by her, dropping to the floor noisily. Forcing her eyes to open, she gazed at a small figure in front of her. A boy. He was trying to pry open a wooden box, his tiny fingers barely able to muster the strength. All the while, he looked around furtively, as if dreading something.
“Hi,” she rasped, waving dully. “Can you see me?”
No answer.
As she sat up slowly, the boy banged the box on the floor. It fell open with a loud startling noise, sending him running under the cot nearby. A doll fell out with other paraphernalia, landing a few steps away from her. She looked at it curiously. It was wooden, with a cheery face painted on it. Rudimentary in style, it was the kind that village artisans used to make before the advent of plastic toys. The boy was staring at it, a longing look on his chubby face.
And suddenly, she knew who he was.
They both winced as the door flew open. A man stood at the entrance, his towering frame casting ominous shadows in the cramped space.
“What did you break again, you useless boy?!” he roared, stomping in. His bloodshot eyes flashed angrily as he tripped over the fallen box. “What is this, eh? Did that cat get in again?”
His gaze landed on the doll on the floor. She could smell fumes of alcohol rising from his body. “Your doll again, eh? You fockin girl. How dare you go into my room again…Think you can steal from me. I will teach you a lesson today. Stupid fockin boy. Thinking you can hide from me.”
Riddhima stared in horror as he began to untie the thick belt at his waist.
No. No. No.
She screamed as he overturned the cot, grabbing the trembling boy by the scruff of his neck. The man raised his hand, the belt descending swiftly. Time seemed to slow as she propelled herself forward, throwing herself blindly in front of the sobbing child. The belt struck against flesh, the sickening sound making her reel.
“What-what are you doing here, eh?”
She opened her eyes, staring in stupefaction, much like the man. Another little boy stood in front of her, wheezing from the impact of the belt. “Vansh…” A keening cry escaped her, as she reached for him. Her hands slipped past his small body, making her yell in frustration.
“You…” little Vansh raised his eyes, pain and rebellion in their dark depths. “You shall not hit my brother.”
“You dare-” The man swelled up, anger casting red splotches on his cheeks.
“I am not your brother.” Little Kabir was standing up from where Vansh had pushed him, to keep him out of harm’s way. His face was expressionless. “Go away, pest. You’re not welcome here.”
Vansh looked visibly wounded. The man was looking from one to the other, breathing harshly. Quietly, Kabir strode forward, picking up the belt and marching towards the blustering man. Turning his back dutifully towards him, he held it out. “Here, Papa. Take this.”
“What? I-“
“Teach me a lesson. Unless you are too afraid to, old man,” little Kabir sneered, deliberately needling his stepfather.
“I-I will tell my mother,” Vansh managed to say, with his remaining courage, backing away slowly. “If you hit him again, I will tell my mother…”
“Go ahead, noble one,” Kabir mocked dully, closing his eyes in surrender. “The whore doesn’t care about me anyway.”
As the belt sang through the air again and again, Riddhima ran out behind little Vansh. She clutched her stomach, feeling sick at the sounds of violence. Kabir didn’t even make a sound.
Vansh ran sobbing through the street, probably making his way to his mother. In her attempt to catch up to him, she stumbled.
This time, she welcomed the sensation of falling. Anything to leave behind this nightmare, where monsters beat little children till they learnt not to cry.
Falling…
Darkness…
When she opened her eyes again, there was peace. She was laying on a soft bed-like surface, surrounded by a sunbathed forest. Leaves the colour of fire and gold drifted from tall trees, landing lazily on her prone body. She breathed in the delicious, sweet autumn air, belatedly wondering where the nip of winter had gone.
As Riddhima sat up, she was aware of another fragrance. A tantalizing one that beckoned to her.
Sandalwood and smoke.
Her heart sang as she ran, joy and hope blossoming in her chest like a radiant flower. Crisp russet leaves crunched beneath her naked feet, and the breath of the forest fueled her lungs. It felt like she ran forever, but perhaps, it was a little while.
When she saw a banyan tree in the distance, a laugh filled with childlike triumph brimmed to the surface.
There he was. There he was.
“There you are,” she spoke aloud, like a whisper from her soul. Riddhima ran faster, throwing up the dancing leaves in the arms of the waiting air.
Then, as if in answer to her prayer, she saw him.
Sitting on his heels under the banyan tree, he appeared to be lost in contemplation. As she came closer, his beauty struck her like a bolt to the chest. She stopped in her tracks, a sigh escaping her.
Vansh…I am here.
He lifted his midnight eyes to hers, taking her breath away. She knew he saw her, truly saw her. The way no one in her world could ever see her, more naked than naked, more intimate than the joining of flesh. And yet, even though she had always known…the love in his eyes sent her to her knees.
She took in a deep breath from the space between them, as if it was her very first one. Perhaps it was, because she felt reborn. He watched her silently, waiting for her to come and release him from what bound him to the past.
And then, just as her feet moved to rise, she felt them stiffen. Horror coursed through her as Vansh dropped to the forest floor, his pale face turned towards her. He spoke some words, but she never heard. His breath was a rattle, like death spoke for him now.
Riddhima opened her mouth to cry, to scream, to say his name, but her tongue refused to obey. When she looked up to the sky, she was looking at a face scorched from fire, an abomination that loomed over her.
‘You knew there were consequences,‘ it said, reminding her of what refused to be remembered. It was she, rising from the rotten remains of autumn.
When the priestess walked away, Riddhima realized she was bound to her by fate. No matter how much she tried, she could not fight her shadow. Her will would not be denied.
‘Come,’ she deigned to say, her long braided hair glinting in the sunlight. ‘You can wake now.’
“You are safe now. Wake up!”
Riddhima blinked, slower and slower till the darkness consumed her. As her eyelashes lifted, she saw the face of her nightmares, hovering over her, cloaked in the veil of stunning beauty. She was back in the meadow, the jeep stationed beside her.
“Am I dreaming again?” she muttered, her heart feeling withered.
“No,” the priestess smiled impishly. “Maybe not this time, sweet girl.”
***