“Why did you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Kiss me.”
“I don’t follow orders.”
“Riddhima,” Vansh warned softly, his jaw clenched. “Why did you kiss me?”
Unimpressed, she quirked a brow. “You kissed me first, ghost boy. Outside your mansion of doom? Did you forget that too?”
Riddhima immediately realized her mistake. This was the worst topic to spar with him on. Hot colour raced up her cheeks as she remembered those moments by the pillar. The feel of his body against hers. His hand caressing her jaw, entangling in her hair… His lips nibbling her lobe, tasting her mouth, setting her aflame with every stroke of his tongue. Her toes curled at the very thought. How could anyone forget a kiss like that?
“You are confusing me. I kissed you because-” Vansh paused, staring at her like he wanted to say more. She waited, the space between them throbbing with yearning. “What does a kiss mean in your world?” he growled, the abyss of his eyes pinning her on the spot. “Are friends kissing each other these days?”
Blushing furiously, Riddhima averted her gaze. “If they want to,” she mumbled, looking determinedly at a chart of the periodic table on the wall. She could feel herself growing warmer under his unwavering scrutiny. How did they even get stuck on this conversation?
“Is that why you kissed me?”
“You aren’t getting the point,” she reluctantly dragged her gaze back to his. “In modern times, people are free to make independent decisions. Decisions that make them happy. Women can decide when and whether they want to marry and have children. Couples can separate if things don’t work out. Friends can kiss, sleep with each other if they want, and still remain just friends. People don’t always have to suffer in fear of what society would say. There are no public trials and executions. It’s a much better, more civilized world out there than it was a hundred years ago.”
Riddhima’s voice softened at the end, hoping her words hadn’t scraped at his wounds. Ahilya’s death was still a painful memory for him. She winced as her burning face flashed across her mind; it haunted many of her waking moments. Ahilya wouldn’t have been an outcast had she lived in this time. Or would she? Riddhima pondered this question silently.
She wasn’t unaware of the privileges she enjoyed living in a big city. And wasn’t it true that when it came to women, every inch of freedom was a battle of a hundred years?
Riddhima sneaked a peek at Vansh. He was staring at his hands, clasped tightly on the desk between them. Pulling her sleeve down again, she tapped him hesitantly. “Vansh? Are you okay?”
He glanced up at her, smoky shadows rising behind his irises. She sucked in a sharp breath, her hands pulling away in fear.
“I used to play a game,” Vansh spoke low, looking past her towards the window. She shivered as a gentle breeze teased the nape of her neck. “Back at my home, years would pass and nothing would change. I would roam the same hall, the same rooms, drowning in grief and vengeance. I always thought that only humans could feel, only they suffered the chains of existence. I believed the spirit was wild and free. But when I became a spirit…I died every single day.”
The lament of his past was reflected on his grim visage. She sat still, watching him in shared sorrow. “I was trapped in my home and the grounds, reliving my life and my death, time and again. Sometimes tourists would wander in, and I would hurt them…give them a lasting story that they could tell their children. Sometimes other ghosts would visit my home. We would talk, rehash our pain together. If the spirits were women, sometimes we would fuck in a pale imitation of the sexual act. But most of the time, it was lonely being a ghost in the middle of a fading civilization. And so, I would play a little game. Whenever I would learn something new about the world…I would pretend I was reborn.”
Riddhima reached for him, a dull ache in her chest. He leaned away from her touch, his form stiff and unrelenting.
“I would pretend to be a part of the living world again,” Vansh’s voice was flat as he met her eyes. “Sometimes I would dress up like one of the tourist boys, those who wander the markets with their group of friends. I would practice a new phrase, a new walk…sometimes, imagine dancing with a pretty girl under the stars. I would walk into my mother’s room, tell the walls about my wild made up adventures. If I passed by the kitchen, I would pretend my grandmother was in there baking my favourite dessert.”
“A cake.”
“What?”
“You loved cakes,” she spoke hoarsely, tears slipping down her cheeks. “Your mother mentioned this in one of my dreams.”
Vansh laughed softly, a sound tinged with much sadness and loss. “You have to stop stalking my memories, darling.”
“You stalked my thoughts first,” she protested automatically.
“Is this going to be your defense for everything?” he chuckled, reaching out to wipe her wet cheeks. “I did it first, so you will do it forever?”
She hissed at the sudden chill from his fingers.
“Oh, sorry-“
Riddhima moved forward as he attempted to pull back. “Yes,” she nuzzled into his palm, welcoming the icy touch on her skin. “I will do it forever. Stay with me, Vansh.”
He snatched his hand back. “Stop it, Riddhima. Don’t speak of dangerous things.”
“Like what?”
“Hope.”
What do we have if we don’t even have hope? Her mind whispered.
Riddhima drew in a shaky breath. “You were saying something… about a game.”
Vansh sighed. “In my naïve thoughts, I believed that if I were alive tomorrow, I would belong in the world like I never left. In my imagination, time never moved further than I could catch it. But it has, sweetheart.” He lightly touched her head, like a bitter caress. “My time has passed. And I have to accept it.”
She shook her head, unshed tears clogging her throat. “I can’t accept it,” she said urgently, panic stirring in her chest. “I just can’t accept it. This can’t be your story. How can I let it be your story?”
“Riddhima-” Vansh began to look alarmed.
“My father used to say,” she spoke fiercely. “If you follow your heart, you will find your way home.”
“Riddhima-“
“And I know in my heart, Vansh. This isn’t over. I-“
Riddhima?!
She quietened, suddenly terror struck. What was that voice? The classroom flickered in and out of sight. Riddhima stood up, blinking in confusion.
Riddhima, what’s wrong? Are you dreaming?
Vansh stood with her, looking worried. He was saying something, but all she could hear was the overwhelming sound of an engine. And that voice.
Hey. Are you okay?
“Rudra?!”
The classroom blinked out again, throwing her into darkness. The engine’s noise silenced abruptly, as if powered off.
She closed her eyes, feeling drowsy.
Darkness.
Pressure on her shoulder.
“Riddhima, wake up.”
“No.”
Dull orange light behind her eyelids.
Lashes lifting gently like a butterfly’s wing.
“No. No. No”
A road illuminated with headlights.
The muted rays of the morning sun.
“Riddhima, wake up.”
“No. Rudra. Sleep,” she mumbled, turning away from the light. She had to find Vansh again. She couldn’t lose him right now. They had too much to talk about.
“But-“
“M’ okay. Have to. Sleep.”
There was a moment’s pause. She groaned at the sunlight, desperately wanting to catch the fading fingers of sleep. And then something heavy and leathery was pulled over her face, blocking out the light.
She smiled. Rudra’s jacket. It smelled like him. Comforting and nice.
She tried to remember Vansh’s smell. The feel of his strong arms around her when she was drunk in the treehouse. The scent that lay at the base of his neck when he had picked her up in the forest.
Sandalwood and smoke.
Like submerging into an ocean, Riddhima felt waves of sleep wash over her again.
Darkness.
A hard surface beneath her head.
Her fingers twitched, then trailed over the desk. They stopped over the carved letters just inches from her head. Riddhima let out a sigh of relief.
She was back in the classroom.
“Vansh,” she mumbled, her head feeling heavier than before. Cold hands touched her shoulders, propping her carefully against the bench. When she managed to open her tired eyes, Vansh was seated beside her, his features drawn tight.
“You scared me, Riddhima,” he rasped. “You disappeared in front of my eyes!”
She breathed deeply, trying to orient herself more firmly into the scene. Vansh watched her, his brows furrowed. “I was right,” she spoke finally, her fingers absentmindedly tracing the names on the desk. “We are in a dream. None of this is real. I was upset, probably hyperventilating in my sleep, and Rudra almost woke me up. I don’t think we have much time. It’s dawn already in the real world.”
“I see.”
“Do you?” She turned towards him, careful to keep her emotions in check. “I went through two horrifying dreams – one of a dead woman in a shady hut, and the other of a suicidal one who jumped off a cliff in front of me! Then I fell into my tenth grade classroom. My. Classroom. Does it get more weird than this? I don’t even know what to think anymore. For instance, how do I know you are real, Vansh? What if you are a figment of my imagination too?”
To her surprise, he gave her a dimpled smile. “Riddhima?”
“What?”
“Someone wise used to say,” he chucked her under the chin. “If you follow your heart, you will find your way home.”
She swatted his shoulder, smiling despite herself. “You are a fast learner, ghost boy. Who would have guessed?”
Vansh acknowledged her quip with a nod, resting his head on the desk. She gazed into his dark eyes, lowering her head slowly, parallel to his.
“Riddhima…” he spoke, his expression turning serious.
“Hmm?”
“I don’t want to go,” he whispered. “I want to stay…for you.”
She closed her eyes, absorbing the sweetness of his words. How she wished he would stay…She would hold him tight and never let him go.
Would she have to live with the memories of their moments together? Would she ever know the comfort of his arms again? If they defeated Kabir, would Vansh be able to stay here in this world? Or would he be forced to move on to an afterlife, leaving her alone once again?
A tear slipped past her eye as another, more devastating thought hit her. Was she strong enough to help him, even if it meant saying goodbye?
Vansh was right.
Hope was a dangerous thing.
* * *
“So the dream changed when you went through the curtain or fell off the cliff?”
Riddhima nodded. She was describing the unsettling spirit dreams in as much detail as possible. Understanding this new place seemed like the only way to gauge the way forward.
Vansh looked thoughtful. “If we were to walk out of this room right now, does that mean we may find ourselves in another dream?”
They both stared uneasily at the door. In the real world, there had been a long corridor beyond it, leading to more classrooms and the entrance to the playing grounds. She could still hear the din of children playing in the distance, as if it was a normal school day.
What new horrors would she find if she stepped beyond the door? Riddhima shuddered, remembering the dead woman and the smell of blood in the hut. She scooted closer to Vansh. There was no way she was doing this alone again.
“What is strange to me is your second dream.” Vansh patted her hand, still eyeing the door curiously. “The woman jumped into the river. That reminds me of Janani, from a very long time ago. But the setting was different. For instance, it was late evening, not day, when I saw her jump. The surroundings were not how you described. Ahilya lived deeper in the forest, near an ancient temple. The entrance to the forest and then down to the river was wilder. Janani, while coming back from Ahilya’s home, would have had to take that way to the river. It was not the pristine clearing you described.”
“I don’t think the spirit dreams are obligated to be accurate,” she shrugged, watching Vansh move towards the door. Her stomach rumbled noisily, bringing pink tints to her cheeks. Why did she have to be hungry in a dream?! “What if it’s a mere representation, like some kind of a hint? But I really don’t see what Janani has to do with all this. And that dead girl in the hut? How the heck does she fit into all this?”
“Well,” Vansh traced the peeling paint on the door. “What does this place have to do with anything? It’s your classroom, right?”
“Yes,” Riddhima answered quietly, massaging her temples. For the life of her, she could not understand what all these dreams meant. She was on edge since coming back to this place. Any moment now, she could wake up. And then how would she find Vansh again?
“Riddhima?”
She glanced at him blankly, her mind scattered in different directions.
“Can you tell me more about this classroom of yours?”
She leaned against the teacher’s desk, trying to gather her thoughts together. Vansh waited. “I used to sit on that bench.” She pointed towards her row wearily. “The second last one. It was my favourite place in every classroom.”
“Why?”
The question gave her pause. Why exactly did she love this seat so much? All the toppers loved to be in the front, but she preferred the back. “I guess,” she answered reflectively. “I liked to blend in. It made me uncomfortable to stand out. Believe it or not, I was painfully shy for most of my school years.”
Vansh coughed, trying to hide his amusement. She rolled her eyes. “The first exam in any new term, my teachers used to be baffled to find a backbencher topping the charts.” She laughed in reminiscence. “I guess I could be myself here. I could hide and nap under the desk. Sneak in my lunch during a lesson. Talk through the latest gossip with my friends…”
She trailed off, a sickening feeling rising in her body. Things would have been different if she had been wiser. Kinder. Oh, how she rued that day…
She jumped as Vansh touched her hand.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
His eyes were warm, the brown tints visible in their dark depths. It reminded her of how, one scary night, he had scanned her thoughts about her parents. He had understood the things she had never had the courage to say. Stuff she had buried in some corner of her mind, suppressed for years. Besides the physical intimacy they had shared that night, Riddhima had felt raw and naked, knowing he now knew her better than anyone in her life.
“Can’t you just read my mind again?” she remarked sourly. Vulnerability made her deeply uncomfortable.
“Not at the moment,” he gave a half smile, the one that always sent her pulse racing. “I’m quite spent in the magic department, sweetheart.”
“What?!” Riddhima straightened, her mind whirling in shock. “How? When-when did you know?”
Vansh hesitated. “We don’t have the time for this right now.”
She raised a brow, suddenly suspicious. What was he hiding now?
He sighed, racing a placatory hand. “I promise I will tell you later, if we have the time. There are more important things to discuss at the moment.”
She inclined her head, making a mental note to hound him on this later. Secrets made her nervous. Swallowing the volley of questions on the tip of her tongue, she began reluctantly.
“I had two best friends in school – Aditi and Hina. We met in third grade and grew up together. My parents loved me but they were busy people, and I had no siblings. Hina and Aditi were like the sisters I never had. There was nothing we didn’t know about each other. We shared it all, right from scraped knees to broken hearts. When I got my periods earlier than others, it was Hina who explained menstruation to me and helped me clean up. She used to organize my school bag, carry extra pens because I would forget to replace the ink. When I panicked over my grades, it was Aditi who made me laugh. A school day without her twinkling eyes was a dull one indeed. I didn’t have a single secret that they didn’t know about. I considered them my own, like an extension of me. I can’t explain that bond, Vansh. It was one of the most beautiful relationships of my life. We carved our names together on our desk in every classroom. It was such a cheesy thing to do, but it was our thing, a tangible mark of our bond.”
She laughed, a hollow sound in the silent room. “And then one day, we grew up. Just like that. Tenth grade was the last time we were truly together. After that, things became intense. We chose different streams of study, different career paths. I wanted to study business. Their parents forced them into science. They were allotted one section, and I got another. Still, initially we tried so hard to be together, but nothing was the same again. There were all these petty fights, because I thought they were moving on without me. I remember sitting on the garden steps one day, feeling lonely, so incredibly angry…like they had abandoned me. We had a huge blow up after that, and barely spoke to each other again. I wish I had handled it better…I missed them and I had no idea how to express-“
“It’s a normal part of growing up, Riddhima,” Vansh interjected gently. “We lose some people along the way. That’s life.”
“Not like this,” she whispered achingly. “A few years later, Aditi called. She wanted to meet at our favourite restaurant. I tried to evade her a few times. My entrance exams were around the corner and meeting her just wasn’t a priority anymore. But she was strangely persistent. And so, I finally agreed. I thought we would catch up like old friends, reminisce over the past fondly. But being there with her, in one of the places we used to frequent…It just upset me so much! I was rude and snarky all evening, as if expecting her to atone for my loneliness years ago. And she was so nice to me, Vansh! Even tried joking like she used to. But it only infuriated me further.”
Riddhima inhaled shakily, accepting Vansh’s proffered handkerchief. “Finally, she made up some polite excuse to end the dinner, and I sat there feeling like shit. I never apologized and she never called again. A week later, she hung herself from the ceiling fan of her bedroom. When Hina and I met at the funeral, she revealed that Aditi had been depressed for a long while. She used to cut herself secretly in school, a fact even her parents didn’t know. I-I could never have guessed it. Aditi was the happiest looking girl I knew back in school! I thought we had no secrets between us…”
Vansh squeezed her shoulder, his face reflecting her anguish. Riddhima shrugged off his hand. She didn’t deserve this support. “I don’t know why she wanted to meet me so desperately,” she burst into tears, hiding her face in her hands. “I don’t know what might have happened had I just been a good friend for that one fucking evening.”
Vansh tried to shush her but she resisted. “I just know that I blew my chance to help her, and she died. Aditi died. I was so ashamed… Hina called me after the funeral and I couldn’t even talk to her. I never picked up her calls and then, it was too late…I just never had the courage…”
She was close to hyperventilating again. The storm within her had surged to the surface, making her gasp at the pain she had withheld.
“Riddhima, listen to me,” Vansh spoke urgently, catching her by the shoulders. She winced at his cold touch, but he persisted. “If you don’t control your emotions, you will wake up. You can’t wake up right now, sweetheart. Breathe deeply. With me.” He inhaled and exhaled slowly. She tried to follow, tears streaming down her cheeks. He let go of her shoulders, patting her back encouragingly. She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to force herself to calm down.
“Good girl,” Vansh murmured, stroking her hair in a soothing motion. “Now hear me out. You are beating yourself up too harshly. People change. They grow up, move on with other things. You didn’t know about Aditi’s depression or her cutting because she never told you. That was her choice. You may have been best friends in the past, but that doesn’t mean she had to tell you everything. Hell, you weren’t even friends when she called you! Darling, just because someone is finally ready to be on a new page with you, doesn’t mean you should feel the same way.”
“I could have helped her,” she sniffled desolately. “If she had shared it with me, I could have saved her.”
“Now that’s an arrogant statement, my girl.” Vansh cupped her cheeks, gazing into her teary eyes. “Humans don’t have complete control over their own destiny. Why do you think you can change someone else’s?”
“Do you really believe that?” she asked softly. “Your destiny was changed by others. You could have lived a happy, complete life, but the decisions of others trapped you as a ghost. Your family stirred the feelings of revenge in Kabir. Ahilya refused his love and tried to protect you, so he plotted against her. Sutapa, that old shaman lady, lied to the shamans to trap Ahilya, because Kabir promised to marry her. It was Sutapa, then Kabir’s wife, who later sent a spirit to give you a mantra that would protect her husband. You thought it would destroy Kabir’s spirit but it would have forced you into the afterlife. In all this, where is your life changing decision, Vansh? The way I see it, everyone else shaped your destiny. You barely had a chance.”
She was hurting him, Riddhima could see it. But some truths were bitter, no matter the softness of their telling. “And you know what the cherry on the cake is? Ahilya burned at the stake, because she allowed the shamans to punish her for necromancy. Now tell me, why would a powerful priestess do such a thing, if not to protect someone she loved? Was it your friendship that changed her destiny, Vansh?”
“Enough, Riddhima!” he bit out, turning away from her. She stepped in front of him again, looking into his turbulent eyes.
“Oh, are you angry now?” she baited breathlessly. “Good. You should be. Because you know what else has happened? Ahilya’s curse broke when the shamans’ magic protected me in the mansion fire. It severed all of Kabir’s blood ties with the shaman elders, but he burned your home! He got your land! And you?! You are now trapped in this bloody stone, dependent on my sleuthing skills before the fucking Void gets you!”
Raising her arm at eye level, she pointed at the black charm on her wrist. “And I have only this tiny thread preventing me from getting possessed by an evil spirit again. That too, if Rudra and I find Ahilya’s descendent on time. So don’t tell me that humans cannot influence someone else’s destiny. Because sweetheart, both our destinies have been totally fucked by others!”
Vansh grabbed her hands suddenly. She struggled as he pulled her close. “I’m sorry, Riddhima,” he breathed, resting his icy forehead against hers. “So damn sorry. I messed up…terribly. When I bound us together, I only wanted a way out of my cage. Vengeance consumed my mind. I never imagined there would be this kind of danger, these many layers to a straightforward task of finding Ahilya’s descendent.”
Being this close to him, even if it felt like Antarctica, slowly began to soothe her frayed nerves. She stayed motionless, looking up at him with wounded eyes.
“I tried to break our bond again,” he confessed in the ensuing silence. “That was my secret from earlier. I knew it would make you mad. But I had to try. Turns out I have no magic anymore. I am stuck in this dream with you, with the clock ticking. I’m not scared to die again, Riddhima. But if something happens to you, it would destroy me.”
“Vansh…” She raised herself on tiptoes, sighing deeply. The pain-pleasure of touching him was becoming intoxicating. “Why must you say the most beautiful things after the most foolish deeds?” She rubbed her nose against his. “I think I will have to forgive you this time.”
“Hmm…,” Vansh murmured distractedly. He closed his eyes, his grip on her wrists tightening as she planted feather-like kisses on his cheek. “That’s very good. You’re very kind.”
“But if you try to break our bond again,” she warned, nipping the underside of his jaw. “I will smack you till the devil cries.”
* * *